As some of you may know, I went to Bali for our annual end-of-the-year trip. I didn’t expect that Bali would be rainy almost everyday this year. But with rain came a lot of downtime. A time to think and to pray and to reflect about what has been happening in my life in the past year. I am not sure where to start but I found a reflection from a dear friend that I think is powerful. And I’d like to start with that.
“A year end assessment is a good thing to do and I encourage all of you to do one. It is good to look back on all that God has done for us, to look at all we have learned from Him in this adventure called life, to look at how we have grown, or not grown. As I close the door on 2010 I understand more of what Paul wrote about eternity. As we took a peek at death this year we embraced the truth that “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” I believe that I can do all things through Christ more this year than last. I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances. It has been a good growing year, and I am thankful for all the pain, the suffering, the transition, the trials, the tears, and the fruit. I know that these momentary and light afflictions are producing for us an eternal weight of Glory that far outweights all the suffering. But most of all I am thankful that I know my Savior better than before. I know that there isn’t anything that can come into my life that HE won’t carry me through. I know that He is near. He is right in the middle of this perfect storm. That is a great security.”
My tears fall everytime I read this e-mail.
When I looked back from last year, I had fought my battle everyday, and I lost it most of the days. I was defeated and crushed by my own flesh and desire. I knew where the good path was but instead I took the path that led to emptiness. I had closed my eyes upon God and dared to call Him nonsense. I walked through the road of confusion and doubt, and chose to stay in it. Because of that, I have never seen myself worthy to be loved by God.
My heart sank as I recognized these things, the actions and the choices I made have caused a great deal of pain in my life. I was a mess.
Perhaps I had to loose the battle and be defeated to understand that I CAN’T do it on my own, that I took the wrong pathway so that I learned which way is right, to close my eyes upon Him so that I see Him, to doubt Him so that I trust Him, to feel confused so that I seek His directions. And perhaps I have to go through all of those experiences so that I understand who He is and KNOW that He loves me.
I am thankful that I have the priviledge to know Him and to live in His faithfulness. I opened the door on 2011 with the hope of restoration. Paul mentioned that in its place we have clothed ourselves with a brand-new nature that is CONTINUALLY being RENEWED as we learn more and more about Christ. I am not sure what comes out of this restoration and I didn’t expect that my battle will be easier ( It’s only been week three of 2011 but oh what battles have I been fighting. Haha.) But I know that He is with me, and He is faithful. That is also a great security.
